“We all grew up in a world in which there was assumed to be nothing between emotionless sport fucking and committed long-term marriage-type relationships, leaving the vast territory in between open to discovery by relationship pioneers of all stripes, including ourselves. What interesting ways of relating to people might we, and you, find between these two poles? When we include *all* of our connections in our picture of relationships, we expand the definition of what a relationship can be.”
—
Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy (via laceandcombatboots)
(via punkrockmuffinatrix)
9:43 pm • 3 June 2012 • 23 notes
Reblog if you’ve ACTUALLY read The Hobbit
punkrockmuffinatrix:
hanasaseru:
thefoxxybenedict:
I’m curious how many people have, because it feels like I’m the only one.
In fourth grade
Second grade. This had something to do with the Rankin-Bass version being shown on broadcast TV that year. OMG EVERYONE IN MY YEAR TRAUMATIZED BY RANKIN-BASS GOLLUM. He was so much scarier than Smeagol/Gollum.
I was actually nearly grown before I read the book. Loved it, but I never read it for myself now. I have an audio recording of my husband reading it. To give you an idea, you audiophiles who love books being read aloud? He’s better than Stephen Fry reading Harry Potter. There has only ever been one audio performance I’ve ever heard done better (and I am an audiobooks connaisseur). It’s Lenny Henry’s performance of Neil Gaiman’s Anansi Boys.
I cry every time he sings Roads Go Ever On.
3:16 pm • 2 June 2012 • 8,017 notes
Anonymous asked: "Working with a partner on his or her security ain’ta happening." My partner is in therapy, but her security goes to shit when I mention liking someone else. My partner has two partners btw but if I have more she refuses to listen to me talk about them, even to tell her I have someone else, because she feels that bad. You believe there's absolutely nothing I can do to try to help her? Should I just give up?
You can’t fix your partner. You mention she’s in therapy, so she’s definitely in the process of working on herself.
You can be supportive of her working on herself, but you do need to ask her what she’s working on. I have no idea what her issues are and it’s possible security isn’t high on the list at the moment for whatever reason.
If becoming more secure isn’t high on the list at the moment (and unfortunately, there are legitimate reasons why it might not be in a psychological emergency), then yeah, you have a tough decision to face.
That aside, have you stated that you feel that her getting upset with you in terms of additional partners when she has multiple partners isn’t something that feels okay to you?
If she is in the process of learning to be more secure, certainly you can ask her what she needs. Though you don’t have to do it if you feel that it’s not what you’re up for at the moment.
I’m dancing around “fair” because the word is a bit of a button to me, but in this case, the situation is pretty damn inequitable. Are you down with inequitable relationships?
9:38 am • 29 May 2012
Overcoming Insecurities
How about some suggestions on working with your partner to overcome insecurities?
Interesting question: and one that could be taken two ways. I’ll deal with the shortest first. If we interpret it as, “How can I fix my partner so s/he can be more convenient when I’m all hot and bothered about my new flame?” then there’s a simple answer.
You can’t. The only insecurities you can work on are your own.
See? That was easy.
If we interpret it as, “How can I become more secure?” then we’ve got a nice, meaty subject to deal with.
Try to figure out in what situations you feel most secure. There are times when you do feel secure. If there were none, you’re looking at a psychological condition that requires a professional to help you. If you need that, you have my compassion and best wishes for a fantastic therapist to help you. Speedy healing.
For everyday insecurity, though, there are still times when you feel comfortable and secure. Think a minute about those times. What’s going on in them? I ask you to do this so that you know what “secure” looks and feels like to you.
When you’ve got that clear in your head, try to figure out situations in which you feel most insecure. Probably the most common sort of situation in which someone feels insecure is when they’re afraid of losing a partner. What if the newlove is sexier, more intelligent, more fun, younger, a better action/adventure partner, whatever? If you have it in your head that your partner is only going to want to be with the bestest/mostest, that’s going to wear anyone but a clinical narcissist down.
Then you need to go on to work on some stuff. I asked The Prince what he thought, and he had an interesting answer: When I need to feel more secure, I don’t go to other people with things I need validating. I look inside and make a list of five things, no matter how trivial or dumb that I know in my soul I’m good at. It could be as silly as, “I make one awesome grilled cheese sandwich!” But I look for five things I know in my soul are true that I’m good at.
This may sound silly on the surface, but it’s really pretty profound. Security is not something that comes from the outside, but the inside. Now, can partners remind each other of positive things? Of course they can, and should! I’m all for everyone building their partners up and mutually egging each other on to be their awesome selves. But that’s not the same as secure.
You’re not really secure until you get to the point where you can say, “I love my partners and love having them in my life. If I lose one of them, it will suck and hurt. I might even feel like someone is skinning me alive for a while, but I will survive, heal, and go on to have a good life.”
That’s your goal. Getting there requires a certain level of emotional independence. It also requires that you love your partner’s independence. I do feel secure that my partners want to be with me. If I wanted to take it a step further, I could even say, “Loves? I know you want to be with me, but to help me feel more relaxed, would you do me a favor? If you ever stop wanting to be with me, just go ahead and give me a heads up as soon as it happens. Don’t feel guilty about it or anything, because I really only want to be with people who want to be with me. Can you do that?”
If I get a yes (I did ask one partner this once, and did), then I just put it out of my mind. Hey, they said they wanted to be with me. I take my partners at their words. It’s all good. If the situations changes, I’ve been told I’ll be informed, so it’s not a problem. I don’t have to keep my feelers out for anything because it’s all taken care of.
The thing is, it’s not hyperbole when I talk about security knowing that losing a partner isn’t going to destroy your life. I went through a period of pretty intensive self-work once, then about two years later, did lose a partner with whom I was desperately in love. What got me through it was repeating to myself constantly, “It hurts now, but I will survive. I am still myself, I am the same human I always was. I have good qualities and they’re not gone because the partner is. I miss what I had terribly, but since I don’t own that person and that person doesn’t choose to be with me anymore, I will deal with the reality. The reality is that I can still make choices to have a good life.”
Getting through that and knowing I could made me utterly relaxed about relationships. It also made my choosier than hell about what partners I wanted, because I learned that hormonal carbonation does not a good match make.
So yeah, no. Working with a partner on his or her security ain’ta happening, and your partners can’t make you more secure, either. But lucky you, that’s still in your hands.
Oh, and How to Become a Secure Person is also still a good article, though possibly without the subtle brilliance of my own detailed analysis.
Original Article
8:00 am • 29 May 2012 • 6 notes
I’m tryin’ to think and nuttin’ happens!
Tomorrow may be another Columnless Tuesday here at The Polyamorous Misanthrope.
Lately the columns seem to have been a series of, “Jesus tapdancing Christ, dump the person treating you like shit. If a cannibal can find a fucking volunteer to be eaten, your own issues of finding an appropriate partner have got to be relatively easier.”
True enough, but there’s only so many ways you can say that, or to assert, “No, no. Being a grown-up is more sexy and satisfying. Really. I’m not fucking around here. Try it.”
Even the keywords by which people get to my site aren’t turning up anything all that damned entertaining either to write or rant about.
I welcome column ideas or questions, if people have them.
5:35 pm • 28 May 2012 • 1 note
Adulting: Step 222: Do not say 'yes' if you mean 'no'
The Polyamorous Misanthrope Officially Endorses this blog, but especially this blog post.
adulting:
I have a hard time saying no when the other person wants a yes. This is, I think, a very female trait, though I’m sure males do it too. But a resentful, insincere yes is no good.
Prime example: I am so happy to loan out about 60 percent of my clothes, wary but ultimately OK with 35 percent, and…
12:12 pm • 28 May 2012 • 252 notes
Anonymous asked: chocolate, or lemon?
Being poly, I dislike making an either/or choice when they’re both so good, but if I have to choose one for TODAY, I’ll go with chocolate. I love chocolate.
10:58 am • 27 May 2012
ask-the-mighty-thor:
It is a drink unlike anything that I have ever consumed! Were it permitted by Odin, I would readily bring many barrels of it to Asgard, to share its delicacy with my people!
Save, of course, for ‘de-caf’.
That is an abomination.
The Goddess of Java Agrees.
7:43 am • 26 May 2012 • 79 notes
